What Not to Say

But for her, it invalidated her individual grief. They were not her and did not have the same relationship to her husband. She said even if another woman had lost her husband, they had not been the same people as she and her spouse were.

On the other hand Wilfred Bockelman in his book Finding the Right Words quotes one woman as saying that when well meaning people would say some blunder, she understood that they cared for her and were making an attempt to console her.

- And he contends that it is better to say something in an attempt to console that to say nothing at all remaining distant, or even worse making no contact at all.

“Call Me If You Need Anything.”
-This is a sentence that I myself have said and meant! It’s been said to me and my mother, but when you are grieving you don’t have the energy or feel comfortable calling that person. If you want to help, ask specifically what the needs are and try to fill them. Cathy Peterson’s wonderful book - Call Me If You Need Anything is full of practical ideas of what to say and do for the bereaved.

Let the bereaved lead the way – ask questions and then really listen. Let them talk and make no judgments – they will go through different stages in their grief journey, and it is very important that they do not feel condemned for the emotion they are currently feeling.

Return from What Not to Say to Sympathy Etiquette

Return to Bereavement Home Page